


Don't Go Where I Can't Follow

by majora_no_kamen



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 09:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11414847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majora_no_kamen/pseuds/majora_no_kamen
Summary: "Killua stared past the transparent glass window that separated him from Gon. They were the only two in the room. The room was nothing but an ugly, bland white and gray. Gon would hate being stuck in something like this.'Why aren’t you awake yet?' he asked. The only response to his unheard question was the repeated sound of the heart monitor."





	Don't Go Where I Can't Follow

**Author's Note:**

> This fic follows the canon verse (with a few changes) up until the Chairman Election Arc. Nanika doesn't exist in this AU. My writing's not the best and I didn't have a beta-reader so it probably feels jarring but I hope it's good enough. I apologize for any typos that I probably overlooked as well.

“It’s okay.”

Killua’s eyes widened at the sound of Gon’s voice. How painful it sounded.

“It doesn’t hurt.”

He wanted to say something but the words were caught up in his throat.

“I’m not trying to be tough.”

Liar, he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. Something stopped him from being able to utter any words. Of course it must have been painful, and yet Gon hadn’t even made a sound to having his arm ripped off from brute force. Killua’s heart heaved when he realized that he was too late in saving his friend. Pitou’s arm originally aimed for Gon’s chest, but ended up shredding his right arm after Killua tried to push Gon out of the way.

“I’m kind of happy… I finally get to be the same as Kite was then.”

“Gon…” Happy? For what? That he was like this now? The very words pained him to the core as blood poured out of the spot where Gon’s right arm was missing. What was going to become of Gon’s body after brutally forcing it to mature to a point where his peak potential was fulfilled? His blood boiled at Gon’s obsession with Kite. He didn’t want Gon to follow the man’s footsteps, sacrificing himself for someone else's sake.

The thought left a bitter taste at Killua’s mouth. He knew he would have done the same for Gon if their roles had been reversed.

Pitou’s headless body jumped towards the transformed figure in a second attempt of killing Gon. “I feel like I’ve been redeemed some,” Gon said, a symphony of agony in his voice.

With a punch aimed towards the decapitated puppet, the oncoming attack from the already dead Chimera Ant was stopped as it was forced back. Gon jumped into the air, grabbing his bloodied detached arm in the process. With a scream, he slammed the arm straight into the center of Pitou’s chest, flesh penetrating through hard flesh. Killua couldn’t bear to hear Gon’s anguished scream, a scream filled with pain, regret, and pure rage. Was this what Gon had been keeping to himself and building up the whole time ever since Kite’s death? Killua’s shaking hands curled into fists as he chewed on his lower lip. How could he have never noticed how much emotional pain Gon was going through this entire time?

Gon crushed Pitou’s writhing feet as he stood above them, entering into position for his signature attack. Seeing that Gon hadn’t spared a second glance towards the arm stuck in the Pitou’s chest, Killua’s own chest throbbed in an inexplicable pain. This wasn’t something they could heal like back in Greed Island. Gon was prepared to throw away his right arm. Gon was prepared for the end.

Killua wanted to laugh at his own delusions, even in such a grim situation where there should have been anything but laughter. He was foolish for thinking that they would die together in the fight, for thinking that they would carry out a double suicide.

Like always, Gon had done everything by himself. _Always._

A ball of sinister black aura laced with red formed at the base of where Gon’s right arm was cut off. The energy grew stronger, bursting into a fierce yellow.

“Gon!” He had to stop him! He couldn’t let this go on any longer!

The aura had only grown more powerful as a physical manifestation of Gon’s rage. It gathered energy from the surroundings, pebbles and leaves flying in all directions from the impact of the wind being drawn towards the aura. The air went right through Killua, pushing his hair and clothes back with such an intense force. His feet were rooted to the ground, refusing his command to move.

_Stop… You can’t!_

_If you keep using this power, what will happen to you?_

“Rock. Paper.”

The aura burst into a bigger ball, pushing Killua back as he attempted to shield his eyes from the blinding light.

_If you keep this up…_

“GON!!!” His scream echoed throughout the forest.

Gon turned back towards him. There was nothing but silence.

Gon’s eyes were no longer that pretty brown that Killua had come to adore so much, eyes full of light and unparalleled beauty. They were no longer that pretty brown that Killua would always end up staring into and quickly look away from when Gon turned his head towards him. His eyes were red and so devoid of the beautiful light that once attracted Killua like a lost, insignificant moth in the presence of a regal flame. The light that once shone so bright that he had to look away, but yet was also the light that he wanted to follow to the ends of the earth. It was a light that made everything else the darkness; it was a light that Killua found hard to look at and even harder to tear his eyes away from. Something painful squeezed Killua’s heart upon seeing those beautiful eyes that he once loved so much - gone. _Gone._

He watched as tears formed at those red-stricken eyes moments before the blast blinded his vision.

A large empty space remained after the attack had destroyed everything for miles. Pitou’s body was ripped into several pieces, blue liquid splattered onto the soil as if it was paint. Killua had looked away upon the impact of the attack. After the flash was over, he opened his eyes to see that Gon was no longer in that damning, hideous form that made his heart ache at the mere sight of it.

“Gon?” He rushed over to his friend who was lying on the ground, drowning in a pool of blood. “Gon?!” he repeated, shaking the other’s shoulders. Red spilled everywhere. Killua trembled at the crimson color that coated the entirety of his hands when he tried to touch his friend.

“Killua.” A mix of a red and blue-stained hand was brought up to Killua’s face in an attempt to wipe away the tears that he hadn’t even been aware of. It was disgustingly warm. “Sorry.”

Killua couldn’t force himself to laugh even if he tried. It was the one word that he had so desperately wanted to hear for so long, and yet now he didn’t want to hear it at all. Gon’s voice made it evident that it was painful to even make a sound. “For what?” he muttered, wanting to hear the answer.

“I was really selfish.”

“...No kidding.” For a moment, Killua wished that they had died together in the blast. Their double suicide.

“I’m… a bit tired.” Gon’s hand slipped away from his face, but Killua could still feel the awful wetness staining his cheek.

“Then rest, idiot. I’ll carry you back home.”

It was a while before Gon responded with a small, quiet, “Okay.”

With the confirmation, Killua placed Gon’s arm - the only one he had left - around his neck. He hooked his arms underneath Gon’s legs and hoisted him up onto his back, sensing the blood latching onto that area as well. Killua couldn’t hide his disgust of that warm feeling that he wished would just disappear already. Filth crawled all over him.

“Killua?” Gon whispered against his neck, his breathing light and fading in intervals.

“I thought you were tired.”

“When I wake up, I’ll really apologize. For everything.”

Killua bit down on his lip hard, causing blood to spill. “Then hurry up and go to sleep so I can hear it sooner.”

Gon smiled. Even when he was on the verge of death, he smiled. It was that stupid smile that always made Killua’s heart beat just a bit faster. It was that stupid smile that made Killua’s days just a bit brighter. It was that _stupid_ smile that Killua had fallen in love with two years ago. “Thank you, Killua.”

Killua’s movements paused upon hearing those words. The ones he cherished long ago. “Idiot,” he replied, lowering his head like he usually would to avoid revealing the red tinge on his cheeks. “Friends don’t need to thank each other.”

Gon didn’t talk again for the rest of the way back.

Killua continued to walk under the prevailing night without a clear sense of direction. After running as fast as he could to this location, he’d exhausted too much electricity to be able to activate Godspeed again. With every step he took, Gon’s blood dripped down his arms, bold red contrasting with pale white. Sickening nausea overcame him as bile threatened to surge up his warm throat. Gazing above to tear his eyes away from the scene, the only light in the darkness was the countless number of stars that twinkled even after everything that had happened on this night.

“Fuck!” He tripped on a stupid rock that he wasn’t paying attention to. Falling, he ended up on the ground next to Gon. Killua raised himself up halfway, looking over Gon. Gon was all battered and bruised with endless gashes throughout his body, hair long like a girl’s, and he was missing his right arm where blood pooled out of the dismembered area.

Killua’s eyes widened as his breathing hitched at the awful sight of it.

Clenching his teeth and mustering up his remaining strength, he picked Gon up bridal style and continued to carry him through the forest trail. The ruined body felt so fragile in Killua’s shaking arms, as if anything would be able to break Gon now. Killua’s tears streamed down to Gon’s unconscious face, mixing with the drying blood.

“I wanted you to tell me that you wanted my help,” he whispered under the quiet night, voice wavering. He knew Gon couldn’t hear it.

When Gon needed him the most, he wasn’t there for him. What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn’t even call himself Gon’s friend.

Such thoughts plagued him all the way back to the city.

**~~~**

_“You have it easy, Killua. You’re perfectly calm. Since it means nothing to you…”_

**~~~**

Killua stared past the transparent glass window that separated him from Gon. They were the only two in the room. The room was nothing but an ugly, bland white and gray. Gon would hate being stuck in something like this.

“Why aren’t you awake yet?” he asked. The only response to his unheard question was the repeated sound of the heart monitor. It was futile, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. His hand curled into a fist, clawed fingers digging into the skin of his palm with immense pressure. Blood began to leak down his hand. Killua slammed the fist against the glass window, forcing himself to hold back so as to not completely shatter it.

He couldn’t even see Gon, who was laid on a large bed in the center of the room. Gon’s entire body was wrapped in bandages to shield everyone from the horrifying sight. Blood stained the surrounding blankets around Gon. Killua saw what had become of Gon’s left arm before. His arm, down to the very fingers, was shriveled up and covered in ugly wrinkles. Holding the withered hand, it was only half the size of his own.

Taking in a deep breath, his voice trembled. “I don’t care about the apology anymore.” Killua brought a sleeve up to wipe his eyes. “So just wake up, please. I’m begging you.”

**~~~**

_“At worst, I’ll go down in flames with him, I guess.”_

**~~~**

The sound crushed his heart. Killua looked up at the person lying in front of him, eyes wide. Why wasn’t it stopping? Sweat formed on his body as he shot up from the bench in rising fear.

_No. You can’t leave me._

Prolonging for an eternity, it erased the very concept of silence. Killua didn’t need to wait for the doctor to come to know the answer. The tears were already making their way down his face. “Weren’t we going to travel around the world together? Come on, Gon… If you leave now-” His words were cut off by a sharp intake of air, rendering him immobile for a second. Slowly swallowing his saliva, his throat still felt dry.

“Gon…” Killua took in rapid breaths, finding himself unable to properly form a sentence. The world around him blurred and blurred into nothingness. Screaming, his intakes of shallow breaths got quicker. The breaths became more excessive, more frequent and unforgiving. His body was shaking - he _couldn’t_ stop shaking for some reason. He was _scared._ Was he scared that Gon was leaving him?

Was he scared that he was going to die right now?

Falling to the cold tiles of the floor, it provided but a momentary relief as his body continued to burn. His legs could hardly support him anymore, with the rest of his body following in the diminishing of its strength. It burned everywhere, the pain was merciless as every touch on his skin only worsened it. The burn seared at his chest, squeezing his heart as it throbbed out of control. Clutching his chest, it did nothing to make the pain lessen or fade.

Even as he was overcome in an insurmountable pain that terrified him, he looked up at Gon. Killua reached his hand out towards him, his hand hardly coming close to touching the glass window. He wanted it to stop already. Killua was desperate to grab something - anything to help hold himself and stop him from falling into whatever it was that was causing this insanity and swallowing him whole. His aggressive fingers fidgeted as he lost control of them; he lost control of his entire body. Trapped. He couldn’t escape at all. How long would this last? It felt like something was squeezing and smothering every single organ in his body: his heart, his lungs, his stomach, _everything_ \- and his body reacted in the most sensitized way.

_I can’t breathe. It hurts so much._

Everything was so hot, as if the blood inside of him was lava scorching him from inside out, sparing nothing in its wake. What was happening to him?

_Gon… Sorry._

Mumbled and wispy sounds flew in, but the only sound he could register was the dreadful beat of his heart banging throughout his mind back and forth. Just the sound was too much to bear. He was picked up by someone - something, and he screamed. His body forced him to scream. There was nothing he could do but scream as if it was the only thing that had been ingrained into his body to do.

As his screams died down, his vision gradually became clearer, although it would blur every so often. In the distance, he could see the covered body being transferred onto a moving stretcher. The stretcher was dragged out of the room - Gon’s room - and Killua was being moved farther away from him.

_Don’t leave me._

He was desperate to reach Gon. Anything, anything to just touch him again. To feel Gon’s hand and know that he was still with him, that this was all just a bad dream and Gon was waiting for him to wake up. And when he would wake up, Gon would give him that smile that he loved so much.

_Maybe we really will have our double suicide._

**~~~**

_“Sometimes, you shine so brightly, I must look away._ _But even so, is it still okay if I stay by your side?”_

**~~~**

It wasn’t a bad dream.

When Killua woke up, his eyes were met with a blank white ceiling. Gon wasn’t there to smile for him. He sat up, laughing to himself for being so delusional. What a fool. Always chasing these impossible ideas, always getting his hopes up - only for it to hurt even harder when they were crushed to the bottom.

“Killua! Are you okay?!” A voice was at his side. It wasn’t the one he wanted to hear.

“Leorio…”

“Thank god,” the older man replied. “You had a panic attack - a really bad one at that.”

“...I see.” He looked around the room he was in. It was the hospital that he was always in. “Where’s Gon?” Silence reigned in the room and Killua understood. “Sorry, I-”

Leorio put his hand on Killua’s and squeezed it to comfort him. “It’s not your fault.”

“I-” His breathing picked up as his body shuddered. Killua clawed at pieces of his hair, pulling them as his scalp suffered. Was it going to happen again?

“Killua!” Leorio squeezed his hand harder. “Breathe slowly. Take deep breaths. Exhale longer than you inhale. Here,” the man traced letters on Killua’s palm, “concentrate on this, alright? Keep doing it until you feel that it’s okay.”

Killua focused on the letters that were being traced on his palm and what was being written. Leorio continued to talk to him to help take his mind off of the fear that was rising in his body. His voice was soothing and patient, helping Killua to relax. Eventually, the fear subsided and his anxiety levels were reduced. His breathing returned to a stable level, but he continued to practice the breathing exercises that Leorio had informed him of for reassurance.

“Feeling better?” Leorio asked. Killua nodded, grateful that Leorio was beside him.

“Yeah,” Killua said, releasing minor pants every so often. “Thanks. It really helped.”

“I’m glad. If you ever feel that an attack is coming again, try to follow these steps that we did just now. They might help a bit to calm you down.”

“Okay…”

Leorio eventually had to leave for his own matters. Killua remained in the bed, feeling no motivation to get out and leave the hospital for the time being. He stayed there, staring at the wall ahead of him. There was something gaping inside of him, a hole he knew he couldn’t fill nor ignore no matter how much he would try.

**~~~**

_“Naturally, I’ll introduce him to Killua! My best friend in the world!”_

**~~~**

The funeral wasn’t going to be a big one. Killua didn’t _want_ it to be a big one. They were going to have it held on Whale Island, the place Gon cherished most. The place where Killua once vowed to follow Gon, under a starry night that now seemed so far away. Because no matter where they would go, no matter how far they would travel and how many hardships they would face together, he wouldn’t care as long as he was with Gon.

Upon arriving at Whale Island by ship, the scent of the air and ocean seawater was familiar. Off in the distance at the top of the green hill, Killua recognized Gon’s house. He'd been here with Gon a long time ago, right after they finished Gon’s match with Hisoka at Heaven’s Arena. They were staring up at the night sky after a day of playing in the forest. The fire they set up had cackled quietly as the hums of crickets riveted around them.

“Hey, Gon.” The memories came by piece by piece, offering but a passing notion of forged light.

“Mm?”

“What are you going to do now?”

“For now, I’ll rest up here while I gather information… The information I’ll need before I go to Yorknew to look for my dad.”

Damn it. Killua chewed on the inside of his cheek as he blinked repeatedly. He slipped off the boat, his steps silent as usual even as he tried to break that habit many times before.

“Hmm… Oh… What should I do?”

“Huh?” Gon muttered in a worried tone and moved from his position, looking over at him. “You should stay here and go to Yorknew with me!”

“Yeah, I’m coming with you.” Liar. Why was he here right now then? “That wasn’t what I meant. I was thinking you’re sort of admirable.”

“Huh?”

“There’s nothing I really want to do…” Killua wanted to laugh at what a shallow lie that was. He was always a liar, wasn’t he? He knew what he'd wanted to do back then. “I don’t really have anything I want to do like you do.” But there really _was_ something that he wanted to do. “Though there are plenty of things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to stay in that house… Or inherit the family business. I guess I’m a little jealous.”

“Killua…”

Killua lowered his head as he continued to walk down the streets of the busy town. How long had it been since he last heard him say his name?

“Huh?”

“I think it’s fun to be with you.”

Fuck. He bit down on his lip. Digging his nails into the skin of his arm, the nerves responded in pain to the claws as they drew blood. Anything to stop it.

“Wh-What’s that about?”

“Whale Island is a place for fishermen to stay during extended outings. There aren’t too many native residents. There’s one other kid that’s around my age, and she’s a girl. So you’re my first friend who’s the same age.”

Killua could still remember the smile on Gon’s face when he turned towards him. It was hard to forget the single ray of light that shone in the darkness.

“My situation was similar… Stuck in that house all day. I spent all my time learning how to kill. You were my first friend.” _And now you’re gone._

“Do you have fun when we’re together?”

He still blushed at hearing Gon say that. Even now, even when those words were but a longing memory, his cheeks were filled with a soft heat.

“I guess, yeah.”

“Then let’s stick together! We can travel around and see the world together!”

“Don’t you ever feel embarrassed saying that stuff?”

“I’ll be looking for my dad. You’ll be looking for what you want to do. It’ll be a blast!”

He'd already known what he was looking to do at the time. He just didn’t want to seem stupid in front of Gon. “Yeah. Doesn’t sound too bad.” Of course it didn’t. It was his sole wish, after all. “Okay! I’ll help you look for you dad until I discover what I want to do!”

Killua roamed the streets of Whale Island, remembering all the shops around town that Gon had showed him when they first came. He recognized the restaurant that they ate at, the one where Gon had fulfilled his promise to buy Killua dinner from their little race during the first phase of the Hunter Exam.

“Now you have to buy me dinner in your hometown, Killua!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Gon gave him an excited smile like an impatient puppy. “What? Why do you look so happy? We’re not even there, idiot.”

“I can’t wait to see what kind of food you have over there! I want to learn more things about you and the kind of world you live in!”

Killua’s eyes burned as he found it difficult to swallow. They never ended up fulfilling the latter of their promise and now they never would. Walking away from the restaurant, he continued on his path up the hill where Gon used to live. His steps were slow and rigid, but he trudged on.

**~~~**

_“When I say it doesn’t hurt me, that means I can bear it.”_

**~~~**

Once he reached the dainty house at the top of the hill, he found his feet rooted to the ground in front of the door. Off to the side, there was laundry that was hung out to dry in the sun. It was like exactly how it was when he first came here with Gon. The only difference was that Gon wasn’t here now. Killua clenched his fists and grit his teeth, his body shaking vividly. He couldn’t bear to face Mito. She would definitely hate him. Why was it that he survived but Gon didn’t? It wasn’t fair. Not to Killua. Not to anyone.

“Oh? Killua, is that you?” The door had opened while he was stuck in the whirlpool of his self-doubt like the coward he was. He nodded to her, shielding his eyes with his silver bangs. Swallowing, his throat felt like it was being scorched.

“Mito-san,” he replied. Killua looked up, smiling at the person who was like a mother to Gon. It hurt and his chest throbbed in pain, but he smiled. He smiled as Gon would, even as his face was threatening to spill in any moment.

“Come on in.” She stepped away from the door and gestured for him to come in.

Killua entered the house, the one where Gon used to live. Inside, he greeted Gon’s great-grandmother who was sitting in the rocking chair. The interior of the house was just like he remembered: simple and comforting. It was vastly different than the Zoldyck mansion where everything was lavished in luxurious, unnecessary decorations that exemplified the social status of the family. This small house was fitting for someone like Gon. It was just so like him.

“Granny,” he greeted.

“Come closer, dear. What’s wrong?”

So she saw right through him. He really wasn’t good with old women, was he? “He’s gone.”

“Gon? Did he go somewhere?” Mito asked, concern taking over her voice.

“...He’s gone,” Killua repeated, slumping down as his bare knees hit the floor. “Forever,” he whispered, but the two others in the room had heard it.

His heart ached at the sight of Mito's disheveled tears.

“I’m sorry,” he chanted over and over. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” It was his fault, his fault that Gon had died. If only he wasn’t so weak. If only he didn’t run away from his problems. Bisky was right. He’d left Gon to die alone due to his own selfish demands. He didn’t deserve to be called Gon’s friend. He never deserved Gon in the first place. He was the darkness that tainted the light, swallowing it until there was nothing left.

He should’ve never stayed with Gon from the start.

Killua was pulled into a warm embrace, larger arms that encircled him in an attempt to comforted him. Enveloped in a familiar light, it had felt just like Gon. The touch. The warmth. The tenderness. This was the person who Gon learned his kindness from. Mito embraced him tight, never letting go as she stroked the back of his hair. Killua felt something wet on his shoulder, right where she was hiding her face.

“Don’t say those words,” she begged. “It isn’t your fault.”

Why? Why didn’t she hate him for living?

Killua missed him. He missed him so much. He wished it was Gon who told him those words.

**~~~**

_“If I ignore a friend I have the ability to help, wouldn’t I be betraying him?”_

**~~~**

Silence prevailed around the dinner table. Even the clattering of eating utensils were quiet as the metal shuffled against the plate. Solemn. Killua plopped the food between his heaving lips, his teeth grating against the flavorless sustenance. It was a chore just to even chew. The food didn’t taste as good as when he ate here with Gon.

“I’m sorry, excuse me.” Mito pushed her chair back, covering her mouth with her hand. Trembling with every step, she disappeared into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Killua set the fork in his hand down, biting on his lower lip.

_Breathe. Exhale more than you inhale._

He traced letters on the palm of his hand.

“Are you full?” Mito’s grandmother asked. He nodded in response. If he opened his mouth to talk, he would probably fall into that awful feeling of fear overtaking his body once more.

“It’s alright. You can head to bed if you’d like. Don’t worry about leaving your plate here.”

Nodding again, Killua stood up from his seat and walked over to the staircase. He could hear how loud his own ragged breaths were, his heart pounding in that horrible sound again. Opening the door, he entered a bedroom that he’d occupied before. It wasn’t a big room, it was much different from his but it felt more comfortable than his entire house would be. There was a mini flat screen TV located in the corner and a large carpet laid out in the center of the room. Across from him was a desk and to the left was the closet. On the right side was a bed small enough to only fit one person. Killua walked over to the bed and pushed the blue-and-white striped blanket to the side. He let himself fall over the soft mattress, pulling the thick cover over him. Curling his knees up to his chest, he lifted the blanket higher over his head and it became dark. 

The bed had a trace of Gon’s scent. Killua dug his face into the pillow, wanting a stronger aroma of it. The scent had mostly disappeared after a year of being vacant but his sharp nose was was still able to track a trace of its remains. He moved to the side, all the way up to the wall, as if to make space for someone else. Surprisingly, it was easier to fall asleep like this. Slumber took over as a sense of relief washed over his body after being tense for so long. Killua’s body eased and his breathing gradually slowed.

**~~~**

_“I want to become friends with Gon… I’m sick of killing people… I want to become friends with Gon, and to live a normal life…”_

**~~~**

He pulled the floor mattress out and tidied it up next to Gon’s bed. Once finished, he jumped onto the seemingly comfortable bed, ignoring what was supposed to be his own. The blanket was messy over him but a lulling sense was taking over him very quickly. Perhaps it was the lingering scent of Gon on his bed that automatically sent his assassin-trained body signals to loosen some nerves.

“Ah! Killua! That’s my bed!” Gon arrived at the door, noting at how Killua stole his sleeping spot.

“But it’s sooo soft. I don’t wanna get up now.”

“Hey!” Gon pulled at his arm and Killua’s body jerked at the sudden force.

“Wait! Sto!-” The two fell with a loud thump on the floor, landing on top of each other.

“Ouuuch!” Gon cried.

“Ha! Serves you right!” Killua rubbed the back of his head. He stuck his tongue out at Gon who was also rubbing his head at where he was hit.

“You shouldn’t sleep in other people’s beds, Killua!”

“Argh! Fine, I get it! There! I’m sleeping in my own, idiot!” he retorted, extending the last word. With a huff, he laid down on the flat cot and threw the blanket over himself. Killua turned away from Gon, facing the wall opposite to him. He attempted to hide the blush that raced up to his face after being so close to Gon when they'd fallen on top of each other.

Killua sensed Gon sticking his tongue out at him even when his back was faced towards him. That brat!

Gon switched off the light and after a few moments of shuffling, situated himself comfortably in his bed. Minutes had passed with nothing but crickets croaking from outside. They both knew that neither was asleep.

Gon was the first to speak. “Killua? Are you mad at me?”

“Huh?” Killua dug himself into the depths of his blanket, the soft cotton hovering over his cheeks. “Why would I be?”

“I kicked you out of my bed. And you won’t face me.”

“I’m not angry, idiot,” he said. Gon didn’t seem to believe that answer. Sighing, Killua turned to face his best friend. “…I’m happy. I’ve never had a friend to have a sleepover with before.”

Gon’s mood brightened at hearing those words and he laughed. “Come here, Killua. I bet the floor bed isn’t very nice to sleep in.” Gon lifted his blanket and moved over against the wall.

“Wh-What?!” A blush crept back up onto his face when the previous one had just finally faded a few seconds ago! Killua was glad that it was dark enough to hide the exposing colors on his cheeks. “No, it’s fine. Really, Gon. I’ve slept through worse.”

“Don’t worry! There’s enough space to fit both of us,” Gon replied, extending a hand out towards Killua.

“That’s not what I’m worried about, idiot!” Killua lashed out.

“Eh? Then what is?”

“Never mind.” Killua sighed in defeat at how unbelievably dense his friend was. “You win.” There was no changing Gon’s mind once he was settled on something. Taking the inviting hand that was reached out towards him, warmth tingled at Killua's chest. Gon’s hold tightened once their hands were together, not letting a single chance for Killua to slip out of it. Entering the bed, there was just barely enough space to fit the two of them. Gon’s breath was on the base of Killua’s neck, heating that area every time he would exhale.

“Killua?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m really happy you’re with me.” Gon shifted their fingers, interlacing them together.

Killua’s eyes widened as a strange, but not unwanted feeling enveloped him. A fluttery sensation lounged in his stomach, his veins stimulated as if electricity had just hit him. Heat was distributed throughout his body, making his skin flush as his heart began to race faster. It was so different from the cold room he usually slept in after his torture sessions with no beds or blankets to comfort him, where there was nothing to shield him from the cold brick wall that made his back shiver from even the slightest touch.

For the first time in his life, Killua let his guard down in the face of slumber.

“...Me too,” he whispered and let a small smile fall on his face. _I’m glad I met you._

Gon fell asleep shortly after while Killua remained awake, observing Gon’s sleeping form. As the night stilled, quiet wind entered through the window as the curtains rustled gently. Even the crickets had quieted, dissolving into nothing more than a slow hum that blended into the peaceful night. Gon’s breaths became steady and minimal, the volume close to mere nothing, but Killua’s sharp ears became solely attuned to that sound. They were so close that it bothered Killua at first, who was unused to being in such close proximity with another person. He couldn’t help but feel shame and frustration that his body felt the need to guard itself even in front of _Gon_ , the one person he trusted. His body was tense and alert for the slightest movement that might occur.

Killua was… afraid. Gon stripped him of the iron walls that surrounded him, tearing them down with those warm smiles. His body felt like it had to defend himself from the unknown, and it was trying its hardest to do that by staying on constant alert. He felt naked and vulnerable, afraid for what might hurt him. Even the slightest prick could draw blood from his skin.

And yet, nothing was hurting him. Warmth washed over him instead, making him light-headed as the burdens that were chaining him down were being cut apart one by one. Killua’s heart pounded as he lifted his unoccupied hand out to brush it against Gon’s cheek, his fingers delicately smoothing over the soft skin. Killua smiled as he finally closed his own eyes. He succumbed to sleep sooner than he’d expected, hand never separating from Gon’s.

When he woke up the next morning, Gon wasn’t there.

**~~~**

_“I need Killua to hold the ball. He’s the only one who can do it!”_

**~~~**

Breakfast was quick and short, passing by like a blur. Gathering the materials he needed, Killua waved goodbye to Mito and her grandmother. He made his way down to the entrance of Snake Beech Forest. Passing by the wooden sign that indicated that he was now entering the woods, he continued on a dirt pathway. Thick trees began to shroud up his view with lush green. Birds chirped above, but their little melodies went unheard.

As the forest opened up, there was a small mound with a wooden cross embedded onto it near the center of the encircled area. A mass of petite flowers had grown around the mound as if to shield it. Taking the shovel, Killua began to dig up the ground. The soil here was soft compared to Greed Island when he'd been forced to head to Masadora in a straight line. It was grueling work, though nothing compared to the training he’d undergone with Bisky. Throwing the dug up dirt to the side, Killua continued to work on creating a shallow hole in the ground. He was digging a hole next to the flowered mound, the one that Gon made and told him about long ago. The mother of a Foxbear cub injured Gon, who had wandered into the forest. That was when Kite killed it.

“I was really stupid! I trespassed into the Foxbear territory even when the mother had marked it on a tree.”

Killua missed that voice. The voice that played over and over in his head like it was a broken record, yet he did nothing to stop it. He continued digging in a monotonous procedure.

_Yeah, you really were stupid. Idiot._

A smile lay affixed on Killua’s face.

Gon had explained to him that he’d worked all day digging the grave for the Foxbear mother. He vowed to take care of the Foxbear cub that the mother was trying to protect. “I felt like it was my fault, so I told Kite that I would take care of the Foxbear cub. He said that Foxbears could never be tamed by humans. I proved him wrong, though! Kon’s the nicest Foxbear you’ll meet!”

When Killua finished digging the hole, his hands were bruised and stung when he closed them into a fist. He chose not to apply Shu because he wanted it to hurt. He wanted to repent for what he did. It was funny, though.

The pain in his hands was nothing compared to the one in his chest.

**~~~**

_“Thanks. I’m glad you came with me. No… I’m glad I got to know you!... I really mean it.”_

**~~~**

The funeral drifted by slower than Killua could have hoped. Everyone said their final sayings. After they went through customary ceremonies, they placed a rectangular gravestone in the hole that Killua made. He was able to have it placed in the forest with the privileges that came in being a Hunter. Beside the gravestone laid gifts and white, lifeless flowers with petals that shifted at even the lightest breeze. If Gon was here, Killua knew he would be blushing from all the attention.

But he wasn’t. He wasn’t here.

Long after the gravestone was settled in the spot and everyone else left, Killua hung Gon’s signature green jacket around the monument. Applying Nen over the jacket, he ascertained that the article of clothing wouldn’t tear over time. Killua dug his nose into it, enveloping himself in the familiar scent. If he closed his eyes, he could just barely imagine his best friend next to him like always. Killua grazed his fingers over the letters of his own name painted in a vivid red on the stone, inscribed alongside Gon’s engraved name. The cold material sent a slight shiver throughout his body.

He stayed there for the remainder of the day, not budging an inch from the spot. Even as night covered the sky, he sat right next to the grave. Mito had to search for him and usher him to come back to the house for the night. It was painful. He didn’t want to leave him.

**~~~**

_“You’ve got it backwards. Gon, I should thank you. I’m the one who’s glad that I got to know you...”_

**~~~**

Killua dug around the room, finding various items. His eyes immediately became fixated on a certain object that he’d seen before. Reaching for the item, he grabbed the pole and lifted up the fishing rod that Gon used to carry around during their travels. He traced over the cool metal with a finger, observing the light that hovered over the gray color. With his finger trailing all the way up to the top, it met a red bobber affixed to the hook. Getting up on his feet and moving downstairs, he greeted Mito for the morning. Her eyes darted to the fishing rod in his hands.

“Ah, I remember that,” she said. “Gon used to always carry it around with him when I gave it to him. He caught the Master of the Swamp with that rod.”

“Really?” Killua eyed it. Indeed, the rod seemed pretty sturdy in his eyes when he appraised it earlier.

“Yes, it was originally his father’s,” Mito answered, wiping the table with a wet towel. “It was the same rod that Ging used to catch the Master of the Swamp when he was twelve as well.”

“Mind if I try it?” he asked.

Mito looked up from the table with a saddened smile bloomed on her face. “Well… it’s yours to keep now if you want. Since…”

“Thanks,” Killua said, interrupting her before she could continue her words. “I’ll be back for lunch.” He stepped out the house, slinging the fishing rod behind his backpack. A fresh breeze of wind blew over him, the sun still far in the distance. The sheets hung for laundry outside ruffled against the air, moving with delicate grace.

Entering the woods, he followed the fresh scent of water. After minutes of walking, the path expanded, revealing a large lake ahead. Coming to a stop, Killua looked over the lake, seeing his reflection in the clear water. Below the water, he could see bright colored fishes swimming, wagging their fins back and forth. To the side of the lake was a large tree, larger than any other in the vicinity. Killua set his backpack down by the trunk, scaling the tree with the fishing rod in his hand. As he reached a branch near the top of the tree where it was big enough to fit him, he landed on the spot without so much as a minor creak on the wooden branch. Sitting cross-legged on the branch, the leaves above provided a great shade to cover the sunlight.

He got a feel for the rod, doing some practice swings before finally swinging for real. Raising his arms back, he swung it down to send the fishing line flying into the lake. Killua wiggled the rod for a while, hoping to attract some fish with a moving bait. After a few seconds, something latched onto the bait as the bobber moved. Killua reacted instantly and pulled it out, reeling it back up to where he was. It was a fish about the length of his arm, not as small as he initially expected it to be. Throwing the fish back into the water, Killua swung the rod again.

A while had passed, with no sign of the supposed ‘Master of the Swamp’ appearing. Sighing, Killua placed the fish he’d just caught back into the water. Trying once more, he dipped the bait into the water, wiggling it around to lure in some target. After waiting for a minute, the rod suddenly felt heavy as Killua nearly let go from being caught off guard. Was it finally the Master of the Swamp?! Mustering up some strength, he tried to pull it back, but to no avail. The battle continued on for a minute as Killua tried to seize control of it, but the fish was damn stubborn!

“Grip it like this!”

Killua felt hands hover over his, guiding him to where they should be placed. Something curled his fingers in, squeezing them.

“Hold onto it tight!”

“I know, idiot!” Killua responded. He stood up, trying to ground his feet into the branch as he pulled the rod back harder.

“Tie the line around the tree. Trust me, it won’t break!”

Huffing, Killua listened to the advice as he circled around the trunk, the durable fishing line edging into the wooden bark. He was making some progress, seeing the blue fin of fish above the water now.

“Pull harder! I know you can do this, Killua!”

Killua groaned as he put all his strength into pulling, his arms nearly giving out as they trembled. Putting all his might into it, he pulled harder as the fish’s body became more revealed. Killua won the battle as the heavy fish was dragged out of the lake, flying into the air as it tried to snap at him but falling short of reaching him. “Holy shit!” he shouted, seeing the true size of the fish.

“See? I knew you could do it!”

Killua smiled at the bright praise. “All thanks to you, Go-” The warmth around his hands disappeared, leaving them cold as the air breezed over his fingers. Killua closed his eyes, biting his lip as he tried to hold onto the voice as much as he could. It inevitably disappeared, drifting away with the cruel wind.

**~~~**

_“In my next life, I want to be me, and meet you again.”_

**~~~**

The day couldn’t have come any sooner. There’s already a pile of gifts from previous visitors: a book in ancient writing and a new model of the Beatle 08 that had come out a month ago. His heart squeezes at the thought that he isn’t the first to arrive, but he settles down and sits in front of the grave anyway. He’s carrying two items with him: one from Mito and one from himself.

He sets the pair of clothes next to the pile of other gifts. They’re Gon’s normal green attire, but Mito has sewn him new ones. She says that Gon would have outgrown the old ones by now.

It’s hard for him. It takes a while before he talks.

“Sorry I’m late today. I wanted to be the first, but I had something to do.” He opens the box that he’s been gripping so tightly in his hand.

“Happy birthday, Gon.”

Killua places it right in front of the gravestone. “It’s a friendship ring.” His cheeks redden at how stupid he must look right now, but there’s no one else to be watching anyway. “Here, we have matching ones.”

Raising his hand, he reveals a silver ring on his ring finger with a blue sapphire embedded into it. Their names are engraved onto the ring. The ring in the box has the same color and inscriptions, the only difference being that a clear, beautiful diamond is embedded into it instead.

The air around him is silent as he curls his knees up to his chest, hanging his folded arms over them. Killua’s lips quiver as he digs his eyes into his arms, hiding himself from the world. “God dammit…” With his forearm stained with a wet substance, his voice trembles as he can no longer hold them back.

“Come back, Gon. I miss you. Tell me that everything is fine.”

There is nothing.

“Come back and let’s have fun again like the old times.”

He can’t stop crying.

“Gon…” He repeats the name over and over, as if saying it enough times would somehow bring him back. “Gon.”

Killua hugs the cold, lifeless gravestone with Gon’s old green jacket - the one he’s worn ever since they met at the Hunter Exam - hung around it as if it’s Gon himself. The scent of Gon has long vanished after being washed away from rain, not leaving behind even the slightest trace of the cherished fragrance.

“Don’t go where I can’t follow.”

He wishes that they had died together back then.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small note I want to make:  
> It's a really small line in my fic so it doesn't really matter much, but the red letters with Killua's name painted on Gon's grave was something I stumbled upon during my research on Japanese gravestones. Apparently, it's not common to do anymore, but here's the quote from Wikipedia:
> 
> "When a married person dies before his or her spouse, the name of the spouse may also be engraved on the stone, with the letters painted red. After the death and the burial of the spouse, the red ink is removed from the stone... It can also be seen as a sign that they are waiting to follow their spouse into the grave. However, this practice is less frequent nowadays."
> 
> I thought it was a nifty thing to include, but I didn't really know how to explain it into my fic without it being awkward. So I just decided to add it here at the end.


End file.
